Lets see some jokes
 

Hi guys.What about a cleenish joke thread? I'll go second.What's the best thing about making love to a transvestite? You can reach round the front ,and it feels like you've gone all the way through:oh:

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not that many people have been inside a 747!

--Josh

A guy walks into a bar.

^wtf?

The guy walked INTO a bar. ouch...:surprised:

a clean joke i learned from gene simmons:

a guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. the doctor asks, 'what's wrong?'. the frog says, 'it all started with this bump on my ass.....'

What's the difference between a blonde and the ocean?

The ocean doesn't have nearly that many crabs!

Just remembered that one,I've got a ton of blonde jokes...and a bunch of not so clean ones too--Josh

WHAT IS A YANKEE? the same as aquicky but a guy can do it alone.
WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO MEXICANS PLAYING BASKETBALL? juan on juan
WHY IS DIVORCE SO EXPENSIVE? because its worth it
WHY IS AIR LIKE SEX? because its no big deal unless your not getting any
WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMART BLONDE? a golden retriever
WHAT DO ATTORNEYS USE FOR BIRTH CONTROL? there personality
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?10 yrs and 45pounds
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?45 minutes
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NEW HUSBAND AND A NEW DOG? after a year the dog is still excited to see you
WHY DO MEN CHASE WOMEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF MARRYING? the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT? are you sure its mine
WHY DOES MIKE TYSON CRY DURRING SEX? mace will do that to you
WHY DID OJ SIMPSON WANT TO MOVE TO WEST VIRGINIA?everyone has the same dna
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHINESE COUPLE THAT HAD A BLONDE BABY? they named him sum ting wong
HOW DO YOU GET A SWEET 80 YEAR OLD LADY TO SAY THE F WORD?get another sweet 80 year old lady to yell bingo
WHY DO DRIVERS EDUCATION CLASSES IN REDNECK SCHOOLS ONLY USE THE CARS ON MON,WED,AND FRIDAY?because on tues,and thursday the sex-ed class uses it:lol:

Wow,to be honest I didn't think anyone would write that much in one sitting Bryan!--Josh

It's raining in Maryland so my R/C'S are all parked:lol:

english humour?
 

Here's a joke.losi mlst.drive train:rofl:. I bought a new deodorant today,the instructions said "lift up top,push up bottom."I'm in E R ,will speak later..:oh:

nitro is faster than brushless

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called BrianG the computer guy, to come over. Brian clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him;

"So, what was wrong?"

He replied: "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned....

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

:mdr:

there are two blonds in minisota and one of them asks which do you think is closer Florida or the moon? the other blond says well you cant see Florida from here can you

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

:lol:

Wow bondo,I never thought i'd turn out to be a lesbian trapped in a mans body! LOL--Josh

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Ewwww.

Three nuns on a train, each one has a banana...

Three nuns on a train each one has a banana
 

:oh: One says "where's the banana's" The other two say "yes it does doesn't it" :oh:

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

:surprised:

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing theRedneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'

why don't most women wear watches?
there's a clock on the kitchen stove


why did the woman cross the road?
who cares? why isn't she in the kitchen?


how many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, bitch can work in the dark!

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out
of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are
good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it
in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the
lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that
same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

I ordered some new batteries from HK and...:rofl:

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge
so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump give me a BJ." So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says,
"Wow! That's gonna be a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?".
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

OMG!!! :lol::rofl::lol::rofl:

^+1! :lol:

I'm sure that driver will go tell all his friends about that now. ......Ummm...I notice it was told in third person :na:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell...'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

That's a good one :lol: love the classic little Johnnie style jokes.

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

On the first day,

God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.



On the second day,

God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.



Very funny picture cow wants a kiss face close-up
On the third day,

God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'


The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.



On the fourth day,

God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God,

'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves ... For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren ... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.




Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


*** Remember....
They walk among us, they vote, and they breed!!!***

[1] How far can a dog run into the woods? Only half way, then he's running out.

[2] How does a whale have oral sex? He bites the cap off of a submarine and sucks the seamen out.

[3] What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky!

[4] What do you call a dog with no legs at all? It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!

[5] Where do you find a dog with no legs at all? Right where you left him!

[6] What do you call a woman with only one leg? Ilene

[7] What do you call a Chinese woman with only one leg? Irene

[8] What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!

[9] What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall? Dam!

Good bar joke/trick!

After a few rounds, you being a bit more sober than you pal. Bet your pal that you can drink 5 beers before he can drink one shot. Loser pays for the round.

So order five beers and a shot of what he prefers.

Then tell him these two rules.

One: You get a one beer head start, he can not start drinking until you set down your first glass.

Two: No one but you can touch any of your beers, nor can anyone but him touch his shot.

Once he agrees, drink your first beer and turn it over upside down on the top of his shot glass.

Then enjoy the remaining four beers as your buddy sits with the tab.

I've actually seen that joke done on a TV show!

Two chavs are walking down the road looking up at the seagulls.One says"what'd ya do if a bird shitted on yer ed?" the other replies"kick er f*****g ed in":oh:

more chav jokes!
 

2 chavs get married.They're on honeymoon in the caravan in the garden,The girl says"go easy I'm a virgin" The lad runs into the house and says"Dad she's a virgin".The dad replies"Get rid of her son,she's not good enough for her own family,she's not good enough for ours":oh: