engineering scholarship essay. what do you think?

[t-maxxracer32]

hey guys my engineering teacher gave us all the oppurtunity to get a scholarship that only our small school offers. It is only 600 bucks but that money will pay for the books that i had to buy this semester. basically this is what the instructions say.
500 word essay on "my ambitions to be an engineer" explaining, amongst other items, what does the engineering profession offer, your personal mission and goals, the discipline of engineering you wish to pursue, and your person strengths and weakness.

Im not sure if i exactly answered all the questions because my first paragraph was so long but to me it is somewhat needed so they get a background on who i am. I would have written another 3-400 words but I think this is one of those essays that more is not better.

anyways let me know what you all think and i am 100% open to suggestions and criticism.

Ryan Dodd
1-24-10
My Ambitions To Be An Engineer

When I was a little boy all of my friends around me were dreaming to become an Astronaut, Policeman, Firefighter, etc, but all I imagined myself doing was fixing and working with electronic devices. Although I loved playing sports and getting dirty I always seemed to find time to play around with gadgets we had laying around our house, I remember the first time I ever fixed anything. When the old school brick game boy came out me and my younger brother had to share it, and one day he got honey all over it and caused the buttons to stick. My mom told us that she would get us another one once Christmas came up, but I really wanted to play so I went out in our garage, found a few tools to open it up and cleaned all the honey out of it. This may not seem like a huge achievement but at 6 years old I felt pretty cool. A few years later I asked my mom what type of profession I could pursue in order to do these things and her first response was, “Some type of an engineer.” Seeing as I was only 8 or 9 years old I had no idea what an engineer was so I set off on a journey to figure this out. AOL had just come out and we had it on our computer so I went on and sat there waiting for five minutes until the homepage came up. After looking at all the types of engineering opportunities I had found out that the computer-software type was the right one for me.
Our family always had a computer in the house, and I have always used it for entertainment purposes and an informational tool. Whenever something went wrong with the computer my parents would ask me if I was able to fix it, and even though I had no idea what was wrong I could always find a way to get it working again. There are a number of skills that are needed in order for someone to be a successful engineer. Everyone can go through college and get their degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that no teacher can teach you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, just to name a few. Above all, the most important aspect to be an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to solve any problem that comes your way.
I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a great software engineer because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or on the internet, I will find a solution. To become an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was little and would be a huge accomplishment. There are many benefits that would from pursuing a job as a software engineer. I will have a Great job that is constantly challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software, and the software I develop could potentially benefit society and lead to innovative ways of projecting the flight pattern to the moon or the trajectory that is needed to propel a missile from one of the weapons used by the military. Being a software engineer will lead to many opportunities, more than I can even imagine, and that is what makes this such a great career opportunity because as long as there are engineers out there the possibilities are endless.

[lincpimp]

Well.... you need a gramar check. And you also need to delete some commas, lots of run ons. Yes this is gramatical (sp?) stuff but that may be the only thing that makes you stand out. An engineer needs to be a leader, and a good grasp of the english language is required. No one listens if you do not sound like you know what is going on! Not to say that you essay was crap, but I could remove at least half of it, retain the same points, and leave room for you to add what is necessary.

You did not really state your ambitions. This is important. Tell them you want to be a leader, that you want to fulfill your life by mastering your profession and applying it to ever facet of your life. I like the background info, but cut that back a bit. You need to focus on who you are, and what you are going to make out of yourself. You may not have any concrete goals (you are young, and goals are not really obvious) but you can always take a look into the future and dream. Goals and dreams are important, stress that too.

Now I am no english scholar, went to U for mech eng myself. But you have to stand out somehow, and I do not think that wearing a pimp costume to class will work for you (it did for me, not with the teachers, but the girls remembered me...)

Of course all of my advice is based on experinces I had 10yrs ago, and I did drop out of U to take over my dad's business. Left a full scholarship behind (room, board, books the whole deal) but I am doing better than anyone else that I know. I took a risk and it paid off, not without alot of hard work and hard times. Nothing is easy, but coming across mature and level headed will separate you from your peers, at least to whoever is reading these essays.

So your milage may vary. Keep in mind that this is a good exercise for you. Win or lose the experience will teach you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained....

[_paralyzed_]

I had to download something to read it. I ain't into that.

[t-maxxracer32]

it should just be MS word.. maybe you have works?

And grammar is the one thing that i will be tuning before i send it in next week.

ill work on the first paragraph and add what you said james.

thanks!

[bigboi146]

Can you copy and paste it to the thread?

[PedeBasher]

I can do some corrections for you. I know when someone tells you to take commas and shit out it can be hard. Obviously you put them in there thinking they were correct so you most likely wont find all the errors.

It wasnt horrible but again, there were some run ons and extra commas. Your spelling was spot-on. Again, let me know if you want me to help with some corrections so you can get directed in the right direction on knowing how your next paragraphs should be.

Coming from an engineer I have a couple suggestions.

1. Adjectives like "old school" do not belong in a technical paper, essay, or any other writing. (Used when talking about the game boy.)

2. You spend a paragraph and a half talking about your background. Background is good for an essay, but cut it down to a short paragraph. Engineers need to learn to write short and information dense. In the future your manager/adviser may read more than a couple sentences of what you write, so you need to get the information across as quick as possible. You are right that less is more in this case, but you need to appeal to the reader as well.

3. Spend more time with your ambitions, your 5, 10, 20 year plans. For example, I would highlight that I am working on my PhD, one reason for that is to "give back" and hopefully help people younger than me learn something that interests them.

4. Also it asks for your strengths and weaknesses, you did not talk about that other than in the background. DO NOT ignore weaknesses, but make your weaknesses into strengths. EX. I am not always organized, but I have been keeping a day planner, and plan out all my classes, hopework, and other activities in order to maintain time for everything. That example is more like for a job interview, but the same concept applies when writing.

5. Finally sneak in how the money will be useful to you, without asking for money. If that makes sense to you. This is important to do whenever money is on the line. Whether writing for an essay, or writing a grant proposal, or whatever else.

These are just my suggestions, do not feel that I am knocking your essay in any way. With some grammatical checking I think it will be fine, but these are just some suggestions that may help you improve the essay a little, and hopefully give you the edge.

[t-maxxracer32]

Originally Posted by bigboi146

Can you copy and paste it to the thread?

posted it into the thread. and if any of you have some grammar corrections I definetly would appreciate that because i do lack alot in that area.

billy gunn i really apprecaite your comments ill look it over right now and try to figure out some things to delete and add

thanks

[t-maxxracer32]

ok so im trying to cut the first paragraph down a bit, but not exactly sure where to start. I really can cut the whole thing out and it will be fine..

heres the ambittions goals and strenghts weaknesses...

just finished it so its pretty rough

10 years from now I see myself with a bachelor’s degree in engineering working for an aerospace or defense corporation as their senior software engineer developing the latest software for the government to use. 20 years down the road I plan to have completed my master’s degree and being A projects manager engineer working with young engineers in hopes to develop their new career into something memorable. A few strengths of mine that will help me achieve these goals is that I have very high standards for myself and will not settle for anything less because I know that I have the skills to get there. People have told me that to become and engineer you have to be extremely smart and ready to take on challenges and that is what is so exciting to me and makes me try harder because I know that once I am where I want to be I will feel completely satisfied with myself. Everyone has their faults and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator, but since registering for college I have realized that this needs to stop and so I keep myself very organized by what needs to get done and when. Although some work I do is put off until the last minute it never shows and I will not put out any work that I am not proud of because of my high standards in myself.

[JERRY2KONE]

That is some good advice from James and BillyGun. Your on the right track, but writing for most of us cannot happen all at once. On the first paragraph try rewriting it shorter as stated, and then merge the info to finalize your point. Don't try to correct and write over the same thing. Start fresh. YOu may come up with a better way to express yourself the second or third time around.

Grammer and spelling are paramount when you have a professor or teacher anylizing your work for money. You have to look at this as if it were a resume' for a job. He is looking for what you would bring to his field if you become an engineer, so you have to sell yourself as a good bet. Its not about what you can get out of it, but what you can put into the endevor. Most importantly how the engineering field will benefit having you as a coleague.

[Arct1k]

I agree with the comments above but I'm probably a bit harser - Not sure how old you are but as late 30's engineer I'm not sure this hits my buttons - Its all in the language:

Old
This may not seem like a huge achievement but at 6 years old I felt pretty cool.


New
Looking back this small achievement kindles a passion for understanding how things work.

Old
AOL had just come out and we had it on our computer so I went on and sat there waiting for five minutes until the homepage came up. After looking at all the types of engineering opportunities I had found out that the computer-software type was the right one for me.

New
From the age of 8 I was introduced to computers as home and was always instantly fascinated by their ability to connect me to anywhere in the world. As I've grown up fixing the family and friends computers and writing small software programs I've ben led towards a career in software engineering...


You should also focus on linking your paragraphs you jump mid flow to new topics which makes it difficult to follow and disjointed or worse still you just copied bits from google and through them together...

Example - You flip mid sentence
Our family always had a computer in the house, and I have always used it for entertainment purposes and an informational tool. Whenever something went wrong with the computer my parents would ask me if I was able to fix it, and even though I had no idea what was wrong I could always find a way to get it working again. There are a number of skills that are needed in order for someone to be a successful engineer. Everyone can go through college and get their degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that no teacher can teach you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, just to name a few. Above all, the most important aspect to be an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to solve any problem that comes your way.

BUT this resume has to be you otherwise it will show very quickly that you got someone else to write it... If you don't talk this way you can't write this way...

PS above isn't perfect its 6:50 am I'm late for work but wanted to give you something...

[t-maxxracer32]

Well i would like to say that i did not copy anything from google, but you are 100% right. I do jump topics and its one of the many downfalls I have in writing..

Since my personal speech is not very "smart or professional" it is real hard to write like that as you mentioned.

ill fix those sentenses that you mentioned.

[JThiessen]

Originally Posted by t-maxxracer32

Since my personal speech is not very "smart or professional" it is real hard to write like that as you mentioned.

Isn't that what you said about a year ago when you asked for help on a paper then? If you go back and look at that one, your writing now is vastly better than it was then. I seem to recall that I could hardly make it through one paragraph of that paper....
Communcation skills should be considered one of the top three characteristics when hiring professional employees....

[t-maxxracer32]

Its funny i looked up that paper before i posted this because I wasnt sure if that other paper was on this same topic.. Its nice to hear that I have improved and maybe i dont notice it but with friends i don't see an improvement in speech.

good to know my writing has improved some..

arct1k- I changed your sentences that you mentioned and when doing so I looked over them to see if i can change a few of your wording because i dont want to copy exactly what you wrote but honestly i don't know how to change any of it without losing its purpose. let me know if you do not want me using your words and ill find another way to say it because if you do not mind i will just keep it like you put it.. Sounds a hell of a lot more professional than how i had it.

Oh and BTW this paper is due on the 31st if i did not mention that. Around wednesday or Thursday i will be turning it in because i do not want to be one of those few who turn it in 5 minutes before its due.. --something i usually do.. but for this i feel that it will be looked down on--

[JERRY2KONE]

Oh and BTW this paper is due on the 31st if i did not mention that. Around wednesday or Thursday i will be turning it in because i do not want to be one of those few who turn it in 5 minutes before its due.. --something i usually do.. but for this i feel that it will be looked down on--[/QUOTE]

You might want to spend some time reading through a good book like Resume" writer to help you with doing projects like this one. Plus you need to get used to writing up resume's anyway for getting a job in the near future. This is only the begining for you doing things like this. You have gotten some good advice from some of the guys on here, but you have to do all of the leg work if you want to learn from it. Good luck with this project and make sure you come back to let us know how it went for you.