Something Some of You Might Enjoy

[brijar]

My brother and I were assigned to write a satirical essay for our AP English class the other day, and based on the response from our class, I thought some of you might enjoy it too.


An Evolutionary Approach to Fashion

Evolution is the concept that an organism’s characteristics and actions are inherited from its ancestors through a process of natural selection. This concept has been proven in numerous facets of human behavior, but few recognize its incredible logic in the most curious of human inventions: fashion. Though the styles differ greatly between genders, evolution accounts for every oddity in how humans clothe themselves.

Male members of the human species have developed a number of creative clothing adaptations. The elongated T-shirt creates a layering effect that provides extra insulation against cold temperatures, while shorts that fall below the ankles protect the wearer’s knees and shins from bloodsucking insects. The ever-increasing girth of men’s trousers indicates that males are subconsciously preparing for their impending obesity. The shuffling, stiff-legged gait required to keep these oversized pants up has the added evolutionary benefit of reducing wear on knee joints, therefore reversing the trend toward premature joint replacement surgery.

Climate variation governs the design of all types of men’s shoes: those with high levels of insulation and fluffiness are used in northern latitudes, while more streamlined models with enhanced ventilation are more appropriate for equatorial and southern areas. Males who wear shoes inappropriate for their climate are merely experiencing a relapse in their geological sensory mechanism and should be tranquilized and relocated to a site suitable for their footwear.

The evolution of female fashion, on the other hand, travels a distinctly different route than that of the male. While male adaptations focus specifically on the practicality of application, a female has more emotional motivations for her choice of apparel. In direct contrast to the male’s voluminous trousers, the female’s skin-tight leg coverings have a clearer purpose—literally. These “pantyhose” were originally created as a mate-attracting device, but their evolutionary benefit is to provide rigorous aerobic exercise. Wearers of pantyhose discover the amount of effort required to install them is inversely proportional to the level of fitness of the user.

In addition to the need to attract a mate, women also appear to suffer from a deep psychological fear of a global economic meltdown that will force everyone to use shoes as currency. The resulting disorder, known as "shoe-hoarding," induces in the afflicted an insatiable need to purchase large quantities of new footwear, regardless of the condition of their old footwear. Male designers have exploited this proclivity by creating high heels, which serve the dual purpose of soothing the females’ hoarding anxiety and impairing their mobility, thus making them much easier to catch and more willing to be swept off their crippled feet. After this global economic meltdown, women seem to anticipate a need for some way to mark themselves when going to war against others in search of superfluous objects labeled "clearance," and thus they carry makeup.

In conclusion, evolution explains the benefits Homo sapiens receive from their attire—the deep-seated reasons why men almost wear pants and why women have a love affair with footwear. The relationship between evolution and fashion is the very fabric of civilization. And because evolution means change, we can expect fashion to continue to evolve.

Brijar!!!

[_paralyzed_]

That is awesome!!

You better have gotten an "A+" for that.

[brijar]

Lol yeah we got all the points on that one. English literature is not one of my areas of strength (you might've guessed that I prefer mechanical and electrical subjects from my being on an RC Car forum ) so the class seems very difficult to me. And our teacher seems to not care if you give your best effort in analyzing a poem and still gives you a C on it -.-

Brijar!!!