Funny court stuff

>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>


>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> __________________________________________________ __________________
>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget.
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We both do.
>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We do.
>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
>> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>> ________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different
>> attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death.
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Guess.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>> notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>> people?
>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
>> to rephrase that?
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>> autopsy on him!
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>> ______________________________________
>> And the best for last:
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>> pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
>> the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>> practising law.


OK now this one actually happened to me. I'm from KS, but there used to be a good cruising road in MO that we would go to. This friend of mine had the great idea of bringing a beer with him once, and of course we got busted for it. So I got a MIP, actually 4 of us did, for 1 beer and had to go in front of a judge. It went something like this

Judge: So why did you drive all the way over here to cruise?
ME: For all the girls
Judge: What, are the girls prettier in MO?
Me; No, just easier !

If I'm lieing, I'm dieing :D The whole court room broke out in laughter, even the judge couldn't help but smile. I got the lightest punishment of all 4 of us

[Nard Cox]

Super, that put some big smiles on my face !!

[rootar]

awesome, i got a good laugh.

i had a funny incident the other day, to set the seen i went the the college nurse (basically for a class excuse) because i had a bad head cold and felt like crap. so i fill out the paper work and they call me back to a room and she starts asking the the normal questions.

-are you taking any medications?
-are you allergic to any thing?
-how many hours of sleep do you get on average?
-blah
-blah
-blah.....

then she asked: Are you sexually active?
and i with out missing a beat smiled and replied sarcastically: I can get a cold from that?

LOL

the nurse blushed and smiled and then i proceeded to say: I know it can come with a headache in the following days but a cold?

[_paralyzed_]

Good stuff guys, that laugh came at a good time this morning

[lincpimp]

Originally Posted by rootar

I can get a cold from that?

If you were blowing his NOSE, maybe...

[PBO]

Slight jack, anyone seen the Santa Cruz Girl video?....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dChBN_zfofY

[Bondonutz]

Funny stuff Sheck, thanks for posting.

Slight jack, anyone seen the Santa Cruz Girl video?....

Mrs. Santa Cruz girl, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no brain, and may God have mercy on your soul.

[rchippie]

Originally Posted by asheck

Mrs. Santa Cruz girl, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no brain, and may God have mercy on your soul.

She had a BIG rack thou .

[bruce750i]

Funny stuff! What was Noland Road for 300 Asheck?

[zeropointbug]

HAHA good stuff, game me a much needed laugh today.

What was it Noland Road for 300 Asheck?

I think it was actually. :D
My Wife The Whore, for 25

Thanks, Billy
Am I glad I called that guy.

[Bondonutz]

Originally Posted by rchippie

She had a BIG rack thou .

Case in point, bigger boobs usually the smaller the brain.

[JERRY2KONE]

When I began to read that I thought oh just another boring read, but by the time I got half way down the list I was wiping tears off my face from laughing so hard. Great court room laughs if you were there. Just goes to show you how stupid some people can be in a position of stress. Great share aheck. Thanks for the laughter first thing in the morning. I immediately sent it to my wife at work, so I am sure that there is laughter all over the US Embassy by now.

Well, I'm glad my boredom could bring a smile your way.