My wife's favorite niece!

[georgec]

This is an email sent to my wife from her niece, the wife says it's for real! Knowing her niece..I don't doubt that it's so!
It's kinda long but funny!

NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HAA

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair
and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the
medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough
to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on t he kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet..

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.... must stay conscious... must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not!

I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped
upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop..
My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub.... in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have
a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to
hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking
cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace......
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and
scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Love ya

[TexasSP]

One true thing I know from waxing.

My brother decided to have his pubic area and butt waxed at the local body wax shop. Well little did he know that along with the excruciating pain of waxing that it didn't get all of the hair. The remainder was hand tweezed by the waxing girl. Sounds to me like running your nuts through a meat grinder.

My wife also confirmed this when she had a full pubic wax job, same thing, hand tweezing.

I think I'll pass on that venture. I had my back waxed once, who ever said it doesn't hurt is full of @#$%!

[georgec]

Originally Posted by TexasSP

Sounds to me like running your nuts through a meat grinder.

Yea, it sounds like some kind of medieval torture!

[josh9mille]

reminds me of the 40yr old virgin!

Thanks for sharing that was a good laugh, I needed that.

You will have to tell your wife's niece that she is not alone in that venture. A couple of years ago before we were going to the beach my wife bought one of those exact kits. She was going to get ready for the beach. So any way she is working on things after a hot shower and I am not paying attention, when I hear her scream.

I go to check on her and she is in horrible pain and bleeding. I ask what is wrong being the good husband, then just try to genitally kid to easy the moment. This did not go ever well as she then slaps the other wax ready strip on my leg as I unwisely was wearing shorts. Leaving me with no choice but to rip it off and it hurt like hell. I don't know how people stand that, that have it done as a part of regular grooming.

[georgec]

I bet there are many stories to go with this waxing thing.

OBTW 76Bentley, love your avatar!