engineering scholarship essay. what do you think?

[Finnster]

I'll be fair, but a bit harsh. Its no help to you to sugarcoat things. I do think the guys above had some very good points.

Synopsis:
Too long, too casual, too weepy-eyed and cliche. Grammar needs quite a bit of work. Overall, its kinda boring and campy and makes me want to throw it out before the end, really by paragraph one. Not the kinda response you want to illicit from someone looking to give you money.

Not a lost cause tho, just needs some sharper focus mainly.

One, realize that whomever is reading these will be getting a lot of them. They will have to slog through a whole pile just to hand out a few hundred bucks of someone else's money. They will be looking for excuses to toss one aside and move on. I would have tossed this by "old school brick gameboy," and I actually happen to know what you are talking about.

It says 500 words (which you are over btw,) but don't think that means you need to fill the whole thing out. If you can write a an essay that is high impact in 300 words, perfect. If it looks short, I'd be more likely to read the whole thing anyway. In essence, don't worry too much about what the instructions say, and try to put yourself as the reader.

Cut out all the extraneous details and tangenial information. Cut right to the point and make it strongly and concisely. Backfill with as much info as needed to make the point and entertain the reader, but little more.

You may want to try bulleting your main points to your essay and re-build it on there. Then write it out from your outline, and go back and see what gets a big long winded/off-topic/ irrelevent and cut it out, or merge it down with another point.

EG:


BG: Paragraph 1

• Lifelong interest in gadgetry, mechanics and repair
• Particular interest in computers, esp software

• Couple of examples demonstrating this: Ie. Go-to guy for computer repair, whatever other reasons you like software. I'd be nice to foreshadow the goals below.
• Don't make this crap too long as no one really cares

Strengths/Weaknesses: Paragraph 2

• Strong problem solver, persistent to see it thru. Show some an example. Maybe work the computer repair bit in here
• Weakness: Procrastination, and you've just had an epiphany and are on the road to recovery? IDK... don't be too self deprecating. Try to find a weakness that is really a strength,

• Ie: "I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time."-Its hard to write these. You don't want be too obvious about it: "The great tragedy of my life is my wang is so big I can't find a proper pair of pants. Boo hoo. :("

Goals: Para 3 (this is where you make it or break it)
-Be very concise and focused, sound like you know exactly what you are doing and the path you are on (even if its BS.) You have some good material in there. Just strengthen it a bit.
-IE, you want to sound like you have a clear plan and direction, and you are giving the reader a chance to assist in your efforts. Make them want to invest in you, so its sounds like they are making a wise choice. Don't sound like a pie in the sky dreamer who will be cast on the wind w/ no direction.
EG:
-"I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missle systems as applied towards defense or the space industry. I intend on persuing a masters degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to build them up within the program."

Lastly, why this money helps. Can be simple imo.
-"I am persuing this scholarship to recieve assistance towards books and tuition, so I may devote more time to pot and hookers."
-Thank the reader for their time and consideration.


Well... that got long. Hope it helps. g/l

[JERRY2KONE]

And remember not to get angry or threatened by some of the responses on here, because you asked for our help. Don't get emotional or defensive over the way some point out your weak points in your writing. That is just the way some people have learned to teach others. Everyone who has posted here up to now is trying to help you with positive feedback, even if they throw some wrenches in your work. I personally am impressed with some of the responses you received considering that we are all here for the R/C hobby. Not bad for a bunch of guys who play with little R/C vehicles, huh? Now get back to work and post up another version of your rough draft so we can help you rebuild it and make it better. We are all here for you for free, but time is money.