engineering scholarship essay. what do you think?

[Finnster]

I'll be fair, but a bit harsh. Its no help to you to sugarcoat things. I do think the guys above had some very good points.

Synopsis:
Too long, too casual, too weepy-eyed and cliche. Grammar needs quite a bit of work. Overall, its kinda boring and campy and makes me want to throw it out before the end, really by paragraph one. Not the kinda response you want to illicit from someone looking to give you money.

Not a lost cause tho, just needs some sharper focus mainly.

One, realize that whomever is reading these will be getting a lot of them. They will have to slog through a whole pile just to hand out a few hundred bucks of someone else's money. They will be looking for excuses to toss one aside and move on. I would have tossed this by "old school brick gameboy," and I actually happen to know what you are talking about.

It says 500 words (which you are over btw,) but don't think that means you need to fill the whole thing out. If you can write a an essay that is high impact in 300 words, perfect. If it looks short, I'd be more likely to read the whole thing anyway. In essence, don't worry too much about what the instructions say, and try to put yourself as the reader.

Cut out all the extraneous details and tangenial information. Cut right to the point and make it strongly and concisely. Backfill with as much info as needed to make the point and entertain the reader, but little more.

You may want to try bulleting your main points to your essay and re-build it on there. Then write it out from your outline, and go back and see what gets a big long winded/off-topic/ irrelevent and cut it out, or merge it down with another point.

EG:


BG: Paragraph 1

• Lifelong interest in gadgetry, mechanics and repair
• Particular interest in computers, esp software

• Couple of examples demonstrating this: Ie. Go-to guy for computer repair, whatever other reasons you like software. I'd be nice to foreshadow the goals below.
• Don't make this crap too long as no one really cares

Strengths/Weaknesses: Paragraph 2

• Strong problem solver, persistent to see it thru. Show some an example. Maybe work the computer repair bit in here
• Weakness: Procrastination, and you've just had an epiphany and are on the road to recovery? IDK... don't be too self deprecating. Try to find a weakness that is really a strength,

• Ie: "I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time."-Its hard to write these. You don't want be too obvious about it: "The great tragedy of my life is my wang is so big I can't find a proper pair of pants. Boo hoo. :("

Goals: Para 3 (this is where you make it or break it)
-Be very concise and focused, sound like you know exactly what you are doing and the path you are on (even if its BS.) You have some good material in there. Just strengthen it a bit.
-IE, you want to sound like you have a clear plan and direction, and you are giving the reader a chance to assist in your efforts. Make them want to invest in you, so its sounds like they are making a wise choice. Don't sound like a pie in the sky dreamer who will be cast on the wind w/ no direction.
EG:
-"I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missle systems as applied towards defense or the space industry. I intend on persuing a masters degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to build them up within the program."

Lastly, why this money helps. Can be simple imo.
-"I am persuing this scholarship to recieve assistance towards books and tuition, so I may devote more time to pot and hookers."
-Thank the reader for their time and consideration.


Well... that got long. Hope it helps. g/l

[JERRY2KONE]

And remember not to get angry or threatened by some of the responses on here, because you asked for our help. Don't get emotional or defensive over the way some point out your weak points in your writing. That is just the way some people have learned to teach others. Everyone who has posted here up to now is trying to help you with positive feedback, even if they throw some wrenches in your work. I personally am impressed with some of the responses you received considering that we are all here for the R/C hobby. Not bad for a bunch of guys who play with little R/C vehicles, huh? Now get back to work and post up another version of your rough draft so we can help you rebuild it and make it better. We are all here for you for free, but time is money.

Lots of good suggestions have been posted. Post up a revision, so you can get some more feedback. A couple last thoughts for you, that I forgot to put in my first post.

1. As has been stated by others, this is like a resume. Look at some online resources or books on writing resumes.

2. I don't know if this is to be submitted electronically or a hard-copy, but a lot of electronically submitted papers are run though a program that determines what percentage of the paper has been "plagiarized" or cut and pasted. Even hard-copies can be scanned in and the same thing done to them. I don't know how common this is outside of my school, but every paper that goes though my university has to go though this. There is nothing wrong with asking people or this forum for help, but this thread will get pulled up if they do run your paper though one such search program. If you choose to use suggestions made in this thread, make sure that you put them in your own words. It may not seem like a big deal for a paper like this but later in your career, if not already, you will write technical papers that will get published. When you write a technical paper it is important to cite all your sources and do your own work.

I just finished up rough drafts of two technical journal papers. Both papers are fairly short, 20 pages, but they each have 30+ sources, even though the papers are on original work. I went through countless times to make sure that each piece of work that wasn’t mine was cited. I also went through countless times to make sure that each sentence was worded by me, and not cut and pasted. This process has been going on in the background for the last several months.

[Finnster]

^^^ hmm. Glad I didn't have to deal with that when I was in school. Not that I CnP'd my papers, but just sounds like an extra hassle.

FWIW, I hereby grant Ryan full and fair use of my phrasing of using the money for weed and hookers.
:)

Then again, the idea to only implicitly ask for the money is a good idea as well. If the prof knows you have hundreds of dollars worth of weed, he may want some.

[JERRY2KONE]

Now thats funny Finster. This poor kid is going to be corupted by the RCM forum if this keeps up. Just do your best and have someone creditable look it over for you. Bottom line is that this has to be your work. WOW a program that can detect plagerism? What a PITA. Post up your revamp and let us tear it apart.

^^^ Good stuff, I snuck a lot of references into my papers through school. Never hookers and weed though. I think that it may be a bad idea for this paper, or it might be a great idea..

While its a PITA for those of us that don't cheat, the amount of cheating even at a college level is nothing short of amazing to me. I know that at my school they won't even give it a second glance unless it comes back as 30-40+% plagiarized. There is only a finite number of ways to explain something, especially if it's a technical process or something of that nature. It is mostly used to catch the people who buy papers off the net.

[t-maxxracer32]

12 years ago if you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I grow up I would have told you that I wanted to be an engineer. When I was 7 years old I had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we got our home computer when anything went wrong with it I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. I always wondered how the computer knew what to do when I gave it commands, and that sparked up my interest in the computer software discipline. As I grew up I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer id need to develop a set of skills that will help me reach my future goals.
Everyone can go through college and get their degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that no teacher can teach you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, just to name a few. Above all, the most important aspect to be an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to solve any problem that comes your way.
I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a great software engineer because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or on the internet. To become an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was little and would be a huge accomplishment. I will have a Great job that is consistently challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.
I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile systems as applied towards defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to build them up within the program. A few strengths of mine that will help me achieve these goals is that I have very high standards for myself and will not settle for anything less because I know that I have the skills to get there. My persistence is what really helps me to get the job done because like when I was little working on computers I had no real knowledge of how they worked or anything, but wanted to get the problem solved and worked with the problem until it was fixed. Everyone has their faults and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator. I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time.


535 words now.

new run... hope its better..? i took out a bunch of things that weren't necessarily
needed and pretty much copied and pasted everything you all told me to write in it... I can change it to my own words but it definetly will lose its meaning and power.

[JERRY2KONE]

12 years ago if you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I grew up I would have told you that I wanted to be an engineer. When I was 7 years old I had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we acquired our first home computer anything that went wrong with it, I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. I always wondered how the computer transferred our commands into actions, and that sparked my interest in the computer software field. As I grew up I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer I would need to develop a set of skills that would help me reach my future goals.

Anyone can go through college and earn a degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that not even a teacher can help you develop or give to you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, in order to be successful. Above all, the most important aspect in becoming an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to resolve any obstacles that may come your way.

I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a successful software engineer, because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or through internet research. Becoming an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was a young child, and it would be a huge accomplishment in my life goals. I will have a Great job that is consistently changing and challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.

I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile and missile defense systems as applied towards National Defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to help build them up within the various programs.

My personal strengths that will assist me in achieving these goals is that I have very high standards for myself and will not settle for anything less because I know that I have the skills and the will to get there. My persistence is what really helps me to get the job done. Just as it did when I first began working on computers. I had no real knowledge of how computers worked or what made them tic, but I knew that I wanted to get the problem solved and worked through the problem until it was back in running order. Everyone has their faults and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator. I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amounts of time working out all the details, but I am trying to learn focus, and keep my eye on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards as well as whatever standards are set by my employer while making efficient use of my time.

[lincpimp]

Originally Posted by Finnster

"The great tragedy of my life is my wang is so big I can't find a proper pair of pants. Boo hoo. :(


-"I am persuing this scholarship to recieve assistance towards books and tuition, so I may devote more time to pot and hookers."

I am sure Freeze has some extra "unused" material from his pants that he can donate to your cause Finn. I feel your pain but luckily I managed to buy out MC Hammer's entire wardrobe when he fell on hard times. Plenty of room in those parachute pants for me!

As for the pot and hooker comment, I would say you plagarized me, I put something in a college paper about booze and skanks... Got an A on that one. Mostly due to the fact that I cited my sources for the skanks... and included samples of the booze.

Originally Posted by Finnster

FWIW, I hereby grant Ryan full and fair use of my phrasing of using the money for weed and hookers.
:)

Then again, the idea to only implicitly ask for the money is a good idea as well. If the prof knows you have hundreds of dollars worth of weed, he may want some.

Very true, but it is always cool to meet the prof out at the bar for some drinking and attempted womanizing... Noting like seeing an old dude trying to pick up on college girls! Best laughs I have had in a while, now I know how Jerry feels (rimshot!)

[_paralyzed_]

Everyone has their faults. and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator. I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time.


remove the bolded, that's just bashing yourself. Saying you take longer than you want is enough of a fault. Add the period after "faults" like I did.

nobody likes a procrastinator!

It's looking a lot better!!

[JERRY2KONE]

I'm no English major either, but that is what I translated your words into. You need to work on smoothing things out just a bit and making it look like what you read in the books. It needs to look somewhat cimetrical and paragraphed correctly. What I would do if I were in your position is find an English Major and ask them for help getting your work cleaned up a bit. That might be easier than going back and forth on the RCM forum. We are always glad to help, but who would you go to for help with a PC. Not a mechanic, or a carpenter. You go to the pros that do that kind of work.

[George16]

Where were you guys when I needed help with my papers 20-something years ago?

You are very lucky to have a great community in helping you improve your paper. If I had this much help back then, I could have finished my engineering degree in 4 years instead of almost 6 (too much partying). Heck, I had to type my papers using a typewriter because I didn't have a computer.

I agree with everyone with regards to being direct to the point. As an engineer, the shortest distance between two points is always a straight line no matter what. Try to use this concept in everything that you do. Short, concise, and direct to the point gets you the dough.

Good luck.

[t-maxxracer32]

Originally Posted by JERRY2KONE

who would you go to for help with a PC. Not a mechanic, or a carpenter. You go to the pros that do that kind of work.

id go here. im sure we have some pros for PCs

anyways my mom has been a teacher for 25+ years so ill go to her.

i hate going to her till im ready to submit because she finds SOO many mistakes that it makes me want to just rewrite it.

but if im pretty much there i will take it to her.

so i deleted the procrastinating part that harold mentioned.

not sure what else to do

[t-maxxracer32]

damn jerry didnt realize that was a rewrite just thought it was a copy and paste of mine for some reason

just finished reading it and and its heck of alot better. much more professional.

thanks alot man i really do appreciate it.

so it seems all i need is a closing statement..?

[JERRY2KONE]

Originally Posted by t-maxxracer32

damn jerry didnt realize that was a rewrite just thought it was a copy and paste of mine for some reason

just finished reading it and and its heck of alot better. much more professional.

thanks alot man i really do appreciate it.

so it seems all i need is a closing statement..?

All I did was copy and paste your writeup into a Word Doc, and then reoganize your work a little bit. I removed and/or changed a few words around just to clean it up some and bring it into a more adult view. Then I broke it up into a few paragraphs to make it read like a book. Lastly I copied and pasted the word doc into that last post.

99% of it is your wording. My best advice to you is that you need to spend more time reading so your eyes and brain get more familiar with how things are supposed to look. The younger generation has spent way too much time playing video games and texting in short hand on their cell phones instead of learning how to read & wirte properly. Believe me I am no pro either, but we all have to do our part to learn the English language if we expect incoming aliens to do it. Our writing skills are becoming much too watered down with all of the crap that is being allowed in our high schools. You asked for advice so there you have it. When allot of us were kids trying to get into college you would have never gotten in without having writing skills. I tell my kids now that it should be our goal every day when we wake up to work on becoming better people while we are on this Earth. I am sure that you have heard the saying that "Knowledge is Power". It all starts with properly understanding the English language. The more knowledge you have the more powerful you will become.